Lucifer, Rambling On

Dear diary:

Been a strange week. Lilith called a few times, saying she was close to cracking open that last seal. I was excited as all Hell, obviously, but at the same time, a little sad. After all, she was my very first accomplishment. Knowing I’ll have to say goodbye to her is a depressing prospect.

Then surprise surprise, she leaves me a message that she needs help from one of the many demons knocking about down in the Bad Fire. Someone apparently helping manipulate people to get me out - real, live people. She said I’d be pleased with the scale of the machinations and plain sneakiness of it all. I’ll wait and see on that one.

It’s a weird feeling, knowing I’ll finally be out after being cooped up for so long. Won’t know what to do with myself, I think. Oh no, hang on, first job will be to kill the sneaky demon that’s been helping Lilith. I mean, one back-stabbing staff member is enough, can’t have another waiting in the wings ready to kill to get promoted.

And if her plan works, and I’m truly free, she says I’ll have someone called Sam to thank - the one Azazel apparently put in place. Hmm. A little worried here: he’s human. Just human. How will he be able to crack Lilith open to set me free? Well, she says he’ll do it.

But my spies up above tell me that this Sam human will not be my biggest worry. They say Sam, useful in that he’ll get me out (so maybe I’ll wait a while before killing him), has a brother - a big one. One who actually killed Azazel. It strikes me that I should squash the both of them PDQ. Would save a lot of running around, angsting bollocks.

But then that raises another question: if Sam has the juice to get me out, what does this brother have? Lilith said he’d been in the Bad Fire for forty years before he was rescued. Just what did he take away with him? I’m guessing he’s not about to scream like a girl and run away like Brave Sir Robin when I do finally catch up with him - for is it not written: “He was a hero who, by his courage in the fiery furnace, his unreadiness to break down and grovel before a popular conception of the character of the All Highest, had proven himself capable of facing a greater revelation than the one that satisfied his friends.” Yeah, thanks for that Joseph Campbell. You git.

And this thing about him being the breaker of the first seal… Also a worry. He might feel obliged to put me back in the bottle - guilt does strange things to these humans. There's no good me standing back going "I am Lucifer himself, sunshine, and you're just one human - come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!" For I bloody well know that it is written: “Cast abroad the rage of they wrath: and behold every one that is proud and abase him. Look on every one that is proud, and bring him low; and tread down the wicked in their place. Hide them in the dust together; and bid their faces in secret. Then I will also confess unto thee that thine own hand can save thee.” (Job, was it? 40:7-14? Or is that some wench’s phone number?)

Hmm. Seems like just one worry on top of another, these days. Have to have a bit of a chuckle over the irony though - two brothers, one a saviour of evil, one a saviour of the other side. And apparently, neither one ragingly enthusiastic to be there. Think of the torture that must put them through! Just delicious…

But then, another worry: that means they’re doing the job because they can’t leave it to anyone else, not because they want to. Hmm. Extra mile territory, perhaps. Bugger.

Best to kill them ASAP, I think. Send them both down to the Bad Fire where one of my minions will be only too glad to stick it to them for a while.

Yeah. That’s a plan. Ok then, I’m wrapping this entry up - got to get ready for my grand unveiling in a few hours: practise my evil laugh, find some worthy body to possess, prepare to smite. Yup, a full schedule.

With a bit of luck, the next entry in this diary will be written while I’m free Topside.

Fingers crossed, eh.